Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month-Meet Eryn

Meet Eryn. This is her story and these are her words. 

My story starts out much like everyone else's story, if only the ending would have been the same. It was October 2012 when we found out that surprisingly we were expecting a third child. At first just like everyone else's story we were excited yet nervous! We had two sons already ages 9 and 5. Of course like most mothers,I wanted to protect my kids from any heartache so we decided not to share our news with them until we felt safe..at that time, it was after a few doctor visits and a routine ultrasound which was around 16 weeks. It was close to Christmas so we wrapped the ultrasound pictures up and placed them under the tree! I will never forget how excited and shocked the boys were.

We soon found out that we would be having another sweet baby boy! We weren't surprised it was a boy!! We decided his name would be Elam (we all have E names Eric, Eryn, Ethan, Eli and our chocolate lab Enzo). We spent the next months just as you would expect, with doctor visits and baby planning! My last two pregnancies were so routine, I literally made it through both without a stitch! This one was following right in line.

I will never forget the last doctor appointment, I was 39 weeks, the heartbeat sounded great, my doctor's exact words, "happy, healthy baby." That day he was. We went on with our weekend, the boys were out of school, so we went to garage sales and messed around. When Monday came along we had plans to go look at a mini van that we felt we were destined to get since this was now our third child!

When Monday night came along I was having contractions and it crossed my mind that the baby had not been very active, I shrugged it off as most would do and went to bed. When we woke up Tuesday my contractions had let off some so we decided to go pick up the new van before the hospital. When we got home we packed up and headed to the hospital. 

The next part of the story is the unimaginable part, the part that I can't go into detail about......because I have some strange dream that maybe, just maybe, if I don't relive it in my thoughts, that maybe I can forget it. I know that I will never forget the fact that my baby Elam had no heartbeat at 39 weeks and 3 days. But maybe God can graciously let me forget the cries that my other boys let out when I told them the news.

At the time I was 5 centimeters along with a baby that I would never hear cry. We brought our boys home to a neighbor until my parents could make their way from Cincinnati to pick them up. My husband and I made our way back to finish what we started many months ago. Upon arrival I was immediately sent to the dreaded Labor and Delivery Room 1. When I say it aloud, "Labor and Delivery Room 1" it sounds like the name of a horror movie and at first it was. I soon found out that much like my other deliveries this one would be routine, much like yours, but with a different ending.

I had a very easy labor, the hardest part being on deciding if I wanted my breathless baby to come to my arms or to be taken out of the room. I decided for him to leave, I was so scared. I needed time. I will never forget looking around the room, there was so many tears, not only from us, but from doctors and nurses.

A couple of hours went by and we were ready to meet our baby. I am so thankful for my nurse Rachel is the person who took me (carried me) to meet Elam. He was so beautiful, 8 lbs and 9.5 oz, and looked perfectly breathless. We cried, talked to him, and slightly giggled because he looked just like our other boys! We spent a couple days at the hospital, we could go and come freely from the hospital nursery. By the way it's not the ugly hospital walled nursery, it is a beautiful one, with teddy bears, a bassinet, a beautiful one that I hope you never see.

We eventually had to say goodbye, but not without many pictures and rocking our baby in the rocking chair. I promised him, that if there was ever a way to see him again, I would live a life worthy. Those were my final words. We went on to have a beautiful funeral, we picked a beautiful plot, where one day I can lay next to my baby boy. We decided to bury him, it is a personal choice for each, I'm thankful I did, I mother him through the grave. I spend a lot of time with him decorating and visiting.

It has been three months now, our autopsy came back with no reason found. I would do it all the aches and pains and all of the heartache again, even if the outcome were the same, just to rock my breathless baby one more time.

I guess eventually everyone thinks I will move on, but I refuse to move on, but I promise to keep standing. Empty arms has been heavy load for me to carry. Elam will always be my baby, never my little boy, but always my baby.  I know he is with me, I feel him, I know a bond between a baby and a mother can never be broken, not even in death. Thank you all so much for reading about this part of our life, this part of my family's love story...if you ever come across another "Angel Mommy" like me, please ask her about her love story.