Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month-Meet Shannon

Meet Shannon. This is her story and these are her words.

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After 10 years of marriage, we finally decided we were ready to have a baby together. We assumed conceiving a child could take up to a year or even longer if we ended up having fertility issues like many other couples we know. Instead, it happened so quickly that we were ecstatic...so much so that we couldn't keep the news to ourselves. We told our family and a few close friends almost immediately, and I made an OB appointment for 10 weeks into the pregnancy, which, according to my dates, was September 2. 


Sam and I were so excited about my first appointment that we felt like the day would never arrive. I woke up on September 1, went to the bathroom, and realized I was bleeding. I didn't panic, having read that this happens all the time -- spotting can be normal, especially in the first trimester. The bleeding increased dramatically, and I knew the my pregnancy was over when I saw the fetus along with the nutrients and lining necessary to support a life. I was really scared, but the strange thing was that none of this was causing me any physical pain. My 10-week pregnancy had ended in less than 20 minutes.
My husband and I drove to the doctor's office in a fog of despair. I was trying not to be an emotional wreck. I was trying not to think about the life that had just ended and all the hopes and dreams that ended with it. I was thinking about my own mom, who miscarried eight times in her life and carried only one baby full term: me. I was thinking that I must have some hereditary condition and that I would suffer the same fate that she did. And I was thinking that I didn't know if I could handle one out of eight odds, and that it wasn't fair that my husband would have to handle those odds, too, just because he chose me for a wife.
My OB was wonderful. The first thing she said to me was that this was not my fault. She told me explicitly that I am a healthy person and that there was absolutely nothing I did to end this pregnancy. She said that in actuality, it's very difficult to end a pregnancy by a mother's actions. I told her about my family history of miscarriage. She said, "Your mom's history of miscarriage has not dictated this miscarriage. You are a completely different person, and just because a woman's mother miscarried 8 times does not mean that she will miscarry even once. It has no statistical bearing whatsoever."
She gave us some excellent advice then. She said that miscarrying is the loss of a loved one, and that expectant parents need to grieve this loss. She said that I should take the standard 3 bereavement days off of work, and that Sam should, too, to allow ourselves time to grieve and to respect this loss in our lives just like we would the death of any loved one.
We followed her advice. Sam took the brunt of calling most of our family and the few friends we had told. That evening, several of them came to our home and brought us dinner and flowers. They showed us love and let us cry, and we really needed that. 
The OB assured me that she would run tests, but that it was very unlikely that any tests she could run on the fetus would explain the cause of the miscarriage. I asked her to try to find out just the same, but the results were inconclusive.
We were advised to wait three months before trying again. We soon became pregnant a second time, and we gave birth to a sweet baby girl at 39 weeks. I'm writing this on her first birthday as she sleeps peacefully in the next room. I feel so thankful to have her in my life. She is precious to me beyond anything I could have imagined...and the little one I lost remains precious to me as well. 


I learned an ugly truth through this experience: women lose babies a lot. Almost every woman with whom I have spoken about this has experienced a miscarriage or even a stillbirth or had a grandmother, mother, sister, and/or daughter who did. It is more common than anyone seems to realize, but at least now, people are less afraid to talk about it. When our grandmothers were having babies decades ago, the subject was taboo. Now, as I talk to people of that generation about what happened to me, I hear the relief in their voices knowing that, finally, they can talk about their experiences openly after all these years and not have to feel that it is wrong to discuss with someone else.
I have to say that if one has to miscarry a baby, the way that it happened to me is probably the "best" way it can happen (if you can even discuss a miscarriage in those terms) because it happened before I even started showing, and once it started happening, it ended quickly. I say this not to be callous, but because I have heard stories of women who found out during their 20-week ultrasound that their baby had already died inside of them, and they had no idea -- they were expecting to learn the gender of their baby during their appointment. I can't imagine the shock and pain of that news. Or those who lose a baby farther along into their pregnancy -- this is a fear I held all 39 weeks that I carried my daughter -- thankfully a fear that was not realized.
Yes, my experience was awful, and I am not trying to minimize it. I'm just saying that I'm glad I knew almost right away. I had 15 minutes of panic and uncertainty, but then I knew exactly what had happened when I saw the fetus, and I had no false hopes. I could begin to mourn and deal with the loss without having to wonder and worry and wait. I had no physical pain, my bleeding was over in a couple of days, and I did not have to go through a D and C. Everything happened very fast in my case.
I'm actually glad we told our friends and family about our pregnancy before the "safety period" had elapsed. In hindsight, it was good that we told people we trust, as they were excellent supports for us. A select few friends and family want to be there for us through thick and thin, and to do that well, they know what's really happening in our lives.


Life is terrifyingly precious from the start, and miscarriage and infant loss are more common than many of us realize. I encourage women to talk about their experiences with other women, as there is strength in that exchange. You will learn that there are many others who have lost a baby -- even people in your own family may have stories to share that you have never heard -- and the support and love these women can give to you in invaluable as you heal over time. 

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