Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month-Meet Lonni

Meet Lonni. This is her story and these are her words.

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Elijah was conceived in Jamaica in July 2012.  I went to Jamaica with my older brother and his family on vacation. Little did I know how that trip would affect my whole life.  It's amazing how God presents things to us and we don't always see it.  I knew that something was different with me even before I left Jamaica but I wasn't sure what it was.  I always went for a walk along the beach at 6 am and would have conversations with God.  By the last morning in Jamaica rolled around, I was asking God to please make me understand what is going on with me. 

By the end of July I was beginning to notice things I couldn't explain.  Tender breasts, I LOVED TO NAP!  Then I noticed it was time for my period and I wasn't getting any of my normal symptoms.  I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive!  I was so happy I was going to be a mommy.  I wasn't going to have to be alone any more!  I moved to Indianapolis from Northern Indiana in November of 2010.  Just me and my dog Skip.  I have very little family here and know few other people.  I thought this child was going to be the cure…for loneliness.

The pregnancy was pretty uneventful.  And I was just relishing in all the new changes that I was noticing in my body.  Every day I would fall more and more in love with this little person I was creating inside of me.  This was a love I couldn't explain.  Beyonce's song, Love On Top, now had a brand new meaning.  And every time I would hear that song, I would sing it to my baby.  Even though those words to that song are directed toward a husband from his wife that was exactly my feeling and my love for my little one.  

At my first ultrasound was in September at 11 weeks. Everything was great, baby had a strong heartbeat.  It looked like Elijah was waving at me on the monitor.  His hands and feet were very clear and visible.  And mommy was still losing weight, slower but still losing.  I had accepted the fact I was going to be a single mother.

Work was slow so I was concerned about money like everyone else.  On Oct 1 I went on a job interview at Macy's.  As I got dressed that morning for my interview I finally saw my "bump".  I was so excited but concerned at the same time.  Should I tell them that I am pregnant when I interview? Later that afternoon I went to the dr for my 14 week check up.  Everything was going great until my dr brought out the doppler.  Being my first pregnancy I didn't know what to expect.  She (my Dr.) couldn't locate a heartbeat with the doppler so I assumed that it was because I was too fat.  She also said sometimes they hide so let's do an ultrasound.  When the monitor lit up I could see my baby's head at the bottom.  It still didn't click that there was no sound.  The tech said, "There is no heartbeat."  I turned my head and looked at her screen and saw her type on the image - NO HEARTBEAT.  My doctor came in the room and told me that the heartbeat had probably stopped within the last 48 hours.  The size of the body was right.  But she also told me that it looked like he may have had Downs Syndrome.  The skin at the back of the head was thick and it looked as if there might have been a cyst in his stomach.  So if he were to have survived, he would have been a very sick boy.  

I spent several minutes in the room alone.  Crying harder than I think I have ever cried in my life.  This is when things get blurry.  Being single, there was no husband to call.  No husband to comfort me.  No husband to try to make another blessing.  Once I finally made it home I plopped down on my bed and began to sob, uncontrollably. I somehow tapped Elijah's father's number on my phone and the next thing I remember hearing him saying hello in the background.  When I picked up the phone he asked what was wrong, so I told him, the baby died.  That was Monday, Oct 1 , 2012.  I scheduled my d&c for that Friday, October 5, 2012.

I was blessed that I had those few days to say goodbye to my baby.  I never got to hold my baby. I never got to feel him move inside my womb.  I didn't find out the sex of the baby until the afternoon of Oct 5th.  My doctor called me that afternoon to let me know everything went well and she could see a boy.  I had testing done on my little one and all that they could tell me was that the baby was a boy.

I don't have any other children or any activities to keep me busy outside of my job. So keeping my mind off my loss is very difficult for me.  This past July (2013)  I returned to Jamaica.  I felt it was necessary in my healing process.  His father owns a beach bar so I brought back sand from the beach.  Since I never got Elijah's remains I feel that the sand was a way of having a piece of him.  When I was on the beach, I could feel his presence all around me.  Especially when I had my feet in the sand.  I never saw Elijah's father on this trip but we still talk on the phone regularly.

I know that God will bless me one of these days.  I just have to be patient.  But right now I am still trying to get over being angry with Him for taking my baby from me.  That's the part of his plan that I just can't wrap my head around.  

Every night I go to bed dreaming about my curly-haired little boy on the beach with no face.  I love you Elijah Leonard Pompey.