Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month-Meet Stephanie

Meet Stephanie. This is her story and these are her words.

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When my husband and I decided to try for a second child, we went straight to fertility treatments as I have diagnosed fertility issues that were discovered before our first child.  The tedious process of waiting each month to see if it finally "worked" was beyond stressful.  After four rounds of fertility treatments, we finally received the news we had been hoping and praying for.  We were pregnant!  That was New Years eve 2009.  As the months went on and our baby grew we were anxious to find out what we were having.  During my anatomy scan it was discovered we were having a boy and he looked perfect.  We were thrilled!  Our daughter, who was 2 at the time was so excited to be a big sister.  She talked about the baby every day.  She loved to lotion my growing belly and talked about playing with her brother.  My husband and I eagerly prepared for the arrival of our much loved and much wanted little boy. 

 

As the weeks went on, our son always "looked great" during my doctor appointments.  He was always very active in the womb, which gave me reassurance.  It was around 30 weeks I noticed him not being quite as active as he had been previously.  I called my OB's office and let them know about my concern.  I had counted his kicks over 2 hours and barely got to 10 kicks.  They had me come in and performed an NST (non-stress test).  He didn't pass so I was sent over to the hospital for further monitoring.  After a couple of hours hooked up to the heart rate monitor I was sent home and they chalked up the experience to it "being too early for an accurate NST".  I was relieved that things were OK.  But they weren't.  I continued to have episodes of decreased movement with our son and went back to be monitored at my OB's office.  In the next 5 weeks I'd be in and our of the hospital a total of 8 times with decreased movement, not passing my NST's and eventually not passing the bio-physical profile test.  I'd always be sent over to the hospital for further monitoring and then sent back home.  After a couple of weeks of this, I felt in my gut something was terribly wrong. 

 

At 33.5 weeks I had some really bad test results where our little boys heart rate dipped low and stayed there for a while.  I was admitted to the hospital because of this.  They told me I would probably be delivered, but they would try to give his lungs and extra boost by giving me steroid injections.  I was terrified.  Was our son going to be OK?  It was early, but hopefully with the steroids he'd be alright.  I was monitored almost continuously for three days.  On the third day in the hospital, our son's heart rate dipped to a very low rate and stayed there for too long.  A nurse came in and was concerned.  His heart rate came back up and the OB on call at the hospital discharged me with instructions to be monitored twice weekly in the office.  I continued to have bad testing and decreased movement.  I was sent to the maternal fetal medicine doctor for her opinion.  She refused to deliver me early stating our son's lungs weren't developed enough and he was too early.  On August 6th, 2010 I had some of the worst testing yet.  I failed my NST and bio-physical profile.  Our little guy wasn't looking good.  I saw concern in my OB's face.  He said to me, "I'm concerned if we don't deliver you, you are going to have a stillborn".  He then sent me back to the maternal fetal medicine doctor for a second opinion.  Something I (and hopefully he) will forever regret.  The doctor was uncaring and cold, she told me she would not deliver our baby.  She shook off what my OB has told me only a half our before. She stated our son's lungs probably wouldn't be developed.  I told her I wasn't concerned about that, I just wanted him out and would rather deal with the lungs on the outside.  She refused.  I was devastated and felt sick to my stomach. 

 

I was monitored over the weekend and spent a few hours hooked up to the monitor to check our boy.  Monday came.  I continued to have bad testing.  The OB's office was afraid to make a decision.  I sat in the waiting room waiting to hear if THIS would finally be the day I would be delivered.  I was 35 weeks and 4 days along.  One of the doctors came out to tell me they were sending me back over to the maternal fetal medicine office.  I cried and begged the doctor not to send me back over there.  I told her she refused to deliver me and I was "terrified my son would die and there was no way I could handle that".   She looked at me and told me she was sorry, but they didn't know what else to do.  I called my family from the car on the way over.  One of the many calls I made over the previous 5 weeks, crying, scared, worried for our baby.  

 

The maternal fetal medicine doctor still refused to deliver me, citing lack of lung development.  She said she would do an amniocentesis tomorrow to see what the lungs looked like.  My husband arrived with me the next morning to theMFM's office and I had the amnio done.  The procedure went well and we would get results back that afternoon to see how developed our son's lungs were.  I was hooked up to a monitor after the procedure.  Our little boy's heart rate went down to 85 beats per minute during this monitoring.  They said he "fell off the monitor", and it was picking up my heart rate.  But I had been extremely anxious due to the procedure and my heart rate wasn't that low.  They sent me home.  I got the call around 3:30pm that our son's lungs were 100% developed.  I was over the moon.  I had my bag packed and was scheduled to be admitted at 5:30pm that evening.  I called my husband and in laws to let them know the news.  My parents were extremely happy and relieved that our little guy would soon be out! 

 

We met my in-laws at the hospital for them to get our 2 1/2 year old.  They were so excited.  As I sat on the couch, waiting to check in, I had the biggest movement I ever felt.  It's like our son was turning completely over.  I patted my belly and told him he wouldn't be cramped up much longer.  We went up to our room and they started the usual questions for check in.  A nurse came to hook me up to the monitors and couldn't find the heartbeat.  She spent a long time looking for it.  I started feeling unbelievably anxious.  I looked nervously at my husband and he assured me everything would be fine.  It had to be, right?  I didn't feel any better.  After some time the nurse said she was going to get an machine to check his heart beat.  She thought he might just be hiding.  I got up and went to the bathroom.  I started to cry and knew, in my heart, that our Everett was gone.  I came back to my bed, this time my OB had entered the room.  The ultrasound machine they had was old and he couldn't see the heart.  He had them grab another machine.  Same issue.  He paged maternal fetal medicine to bring a higher tech machine.  The screen was turned away from me.  I could see the look on their faces but no one would say anything to me.  I yelled at them to tell me!  They looked at me and said the words that changed our lives forever; "I'm sorry".  I felt sharp pain run through me and screamed a primal cry I didn't know was inside of me.  My husbands face was flush and he had tears streaming down.  We hugged and cried together.  I remember saying over and over, "but we were so close". 

 

12 hours after this nightmare began, I delivered our beautiful, still boy. He had two true knots tied into his umbilicalcord. We were told it was a cord accident.  Everett Eric was born at 6:12 am August 11, 2010 and weighed a hefty 8lbs, 1oz.  He had a full head of red hair, chubby cheeks, and gigantic hands and feet.  He was larger than life.  I felt a sense of joy and almost happy after he was delivered.  As if, for a moment, I forgot he wasn't coming home with us.  My sister was at my side during the delivery and was our rock.  She held her nephew and wept over his perfectly still, beautiful body.  My in-laws came to the hospital with our Lilli.  They held him.  Our little Lilli, the proud, excited big sister wanted so badly to hold and love on her little brother.  So she did.  It was beautiful.  My parents flew in and spent some much needed time with their littlest grandson. 

 

I was quickly discharged from the hospital with a funeral to plan for our son.  It didn't seem real.  So many of our family and friends came to Everett's funeral.  It was amazing and I could not have gotten through that without them.  Each person that showed up that day lifted us up when we couldn't put one step in front of the other.  We chose to have him cremated, as I could not handle looking at an infant casket.  It was the best decision for us.  We also buried him in the mausoleum with my grandparents.  I hated the thought of him being alone.   

 

We had a lot of anger because of what happened to Everett and needed to channel that anger into something positive before it destroyed us.  We started an event called Run 4 Everett, meant to raise awareness regarding Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  In two years, we had a combined 700 participants, publicly recognized numerous babies gone too soon,  and raised $12,500 for the Kate Cares program-a local stillbirth assessment program.   

 

We are now three years out on our grief journey.  It's been a long hard road, but one worth traveling because of our sweet Everett.  We have since had a rainbow baby.  Our 18 month old Piper is just what our hearts needed.  She doesn't replace the Everett sized hole in my heart and was never meant to.  But she's helped heal us in so many ways we never thought possible.