you are always on my mind
Surprise, surprise...guess who has been on my mind lately. Yep, you all knew the answer, sweet little Violet. Really she is always on my mind. I probably think about her 100 times a day. I see a little blonde girl about three years old and I think of Violet. I hear someone talking about their little Violet and I think of mine. I see my girls playing together and I think about Violet. I see the color purple and I think of Violet. I hear a story of stillbirth and I think of Violet. And what has been on my mind most recently makes me think of Violet are all the little ones with January birthdays, especially if they are turning 3.
You see, my due date with Violet was 1/11/12. So, as I think about a new year, I also think about all the what might have beens. I think how I should be planning a birthday party. What kind of party would she want this year? What kind of cake would be her favorite? What gifts would we buy her? Would she be shy when we sing happy birthday to her or would she sit proud in front of her cake loving the spotlight?
And then I think about the first time 1/11 passed after Violet's death. I already knew that I was pregnant again. The next day I was going for my first OB appointment. I just knew that I would go in and they would tell me that my baby was dead. There was fear when Nolan and I walked into that waiting room. Not that long ago we had been there and heard that our baby died, why would this time be different?
But we didn't hear anything about death that day. When the ultrasound tech looked at the screen she didn't say anything about their being no heartbeat. Instead she said, "How about two?" The day after Violet's due date, we found out we were having twins and everything looked just fine. There was this mix of relief and worry that came over me at the same time. I know that's weird to say, but I knew that they both had heartbeats. I knew they were both alive....at least for now. That was the relief. The worry began when I started thinking about how twin pregnancies are always considered high risk. It was a weird mix that left me shaking.
So this time of year is always a reflection of the year before. What I accomplished and what I didn't. But it's also a time for me to reflect back to a few years ago and where I was, grieving the baby girl that wouldn't be born in January 2012 and excited for the adventure of twins. Both feelings have been consuming me since, twisting together in a beautiful dance throughout my life. I can't have one without the other now. I can't think about Violet's death and not be happy about the twins' lives. I can't think about the twins' lives and not be sad about Violet's death. Because, if Violet would lived, even for a few more weeks, Evelyn and June would have never existed. It's those thoughts that boogles my mind.
You see, my due date with Violet was 1/11/12. So, as I think about a new year, I also think about all the what might have beens. I think how I should be planning a birthday party. What kind of party would she want this year? What kind of cake would be her favorite? What gifts would we buy her? Would she be shy when we sing happy birthday to her or would she sit proud in front of her cake loving the spotlight?
And then I think about the first time 1/11 passed after Violet's death. I already knew that I was pregnant again. The next day I was going for my first OB appointment. I just knew that I would go in and they would tell me that my baby was dead. There was fear when Nolan and I walked into that waiting room. Not that long ago we had been there and heard that our baby died, why would this time be different?
But we didn't hear anything about death that day. When the ultrasound tech looked at the screen she didn't say anything about their being no heartbeat. Instead she said, "How about two?" The day after Violet's due date, we found out we were having twins and everything looked just fine. There was this mix of relief and worry that came over me at the same time. I know that's weird to say, but I knew that they both had heartbeats. I knew they were both alive....at least for now. That was the relief. The worry began when I started thinking about how twin pregnancies are always considered high risk. It was a weird mix that left me shaking.
So this time of year is always a reflection of the year before. What I accomplished and what I didn't. But it's also a time for me to reflect back to a few years ago and where I was, grieving the baby girl that wouldn't be born in January 2012 and excited for the adventure of twins. Both feelings have been consuming me since, twisting together in a beautiful dance throughout my life. I can't have one without the other now. I can't think about Violet's death and not be happy about the twins' lives. I can't think about the twins' lives and not be sad about Violet's death. Because, if Violet would lived, even for a few more weeks, Evelyn and June would have never existed. It's those thoughts that boogles my mind.
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