Dreams
"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams." Jonas Salk
Don't you love it when you have one of those dreams that you don't want to wake up from? Well, I rarely have those anymore. I have dreams that I wake up from in a panic and can't get back to sleep for a long time. Sometimes I wake Nolan up to talk about it and sometimes I need to get up and get a drink and settle myself down. It usually makes for a terrible nights sleep and it takes me a long time to forget about it.
Instead of having fantastic dreams where I'm having the time of my life, I dream about dead babies, or Georgia dying or about having another stillbirth. That's what my dream was about last night, that both my babies died and I had to deliver two more dead babies.
I'm not really sure why I even had that dream. I think about Violet every day, but it's not like I think about the horrific stuff every day. I usually think about the good times, which is nice that I don't dwell on the bad. So, last nights dream caught me off guard. The only reasons that I can come up with is that we've started to seriously think about names, baby showers, and purchasing items for the babies. It seems more real. Not that it didn't seem real before, but it just feels like it's really going to work out this time.
I'm also approaching 20 weeks into this pregnancy. That is closer to the time when Violet died. I knew that getting to 27 weeks would make me feel a little bit better about this pregnancy, but I also knew that the weeks approaching would stress me out a little bit. I know that things don't always go as planned. I know that bad things still happen a fetus after 20 weeks. I also know that it's just something that I'm going to have to live through.
And I don't always think that my babies are going to die. Most of the time, I enjoy being pregnant. Most of the time I think about what our lives will be like when the twins are born. I think about the changes we will make, the fun we will have and the turn that our journey will take at that point. It's just sometimes, I worry. Sometimes I think about what if. And sometimes, my mind takes me there even when I don't want it to. But I have hope that one day I will not dream such terrible dreams, but they will be happy again. They will make me not want to wake up. I long for that day, but until then, I suppose I must endure the nightmares.
Don't you love it when you have one of those dreams that you don't want to wake up from? Well, I rarely have those anymore. I have dreams that I wake up from in a panic and can't get back to sleep for a long time. Sometimes I wake Nolan up to talk about it and sometimes I need to get up and get a drink and settle myself down. It usually makes for a terrible nights sleep and it takes me a long time to forget about it.
Instead of having fantastic dreams where I'm having the time of my life, I dream about dead babies, or Georgia dying or about having another stillbirth. That's what my dream was about last night, that both my babies died and I had to deliver two more dead babies.
I'm not really sure why I even had that dream. I think about Violet every day, but it's not like I think about the horrific stuff every day. I usually think about the good times, which is nice that I don't dwell on the bad. So, last nights dream caught me off guard. The only reasons that I can come up with is that we've started to seriously think about names, baby showers, and purchasing items for the babies. It seems more real. Not that it didn't seem real before, but it just feels like it's really going to work out this time.
I'm also approaching 20 weeks into this pregnancy. That is closer to the time when Violet died. I knew that getting to 27 weeks would make me feel a little bit better about this pregnancy, but I also knew that the weeks approaching would stress me out a little bit. I know that things don't always go as planned. I know that bad things still happen a fetus after 20 weeks. I also know that it's just something that I'm going to have to live through.
And I don't always think that my babies are going to die. Most of the time, I enjoy being pregnant. Most of the time I think about what our lives will be like when the twins are born. I think about the changes we will make, the fun we will have and the turn that our journey will take at that point. It's just sometimes, I worry. Sometimes I think about what if. And sometimes, my mind takes me there even when I don't want it to. But I have hope that one day I will not dream such terrible dreams, but they will be happy again. They will make me not want to wake up. I long for that day, but until then, I suppose I must endure the nightmares.
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