dreaming with a broken heart

teething. as many parents know, teething is rough. babies are cranky. they are in pain. their gums are swollen . it's just not much fun. let me tell you, teething twins SUCKS! there was one night that I didn't get to bed until 4:30am. and guess which babies were awake before 8:30am? that was a bad night and day. 

since nolan has to get up early for work, i've been the one to get up most nights. and that's fine. i feel bad when he gets up with the girls and then has to go to work the next morning. but there are sometimes when i'm just too tired. it's not like i get to rest during the day. i'm up when the girls get up. and now that school has started, i'm up to help get G out the door. and when the twins nap, that is the only time that i can get things done around the house, so there isn't much time for me to snooze then either. 

anyway, i hear those little cries at 2am over the baby monitor. i hate to admit it, but i get annoyed. I'm pretty grumpy. i just want to sleep. i just want them to go back to sleep. i usually get over my grumpiness before i get into their room. i see that sweet little girl standing up in her crib just wanting a diaper change and a snuggle. i can't really blame her either. i wouldn't want to sleep with a soggy diaper on either :)

but i've been feeling pretty guilty about how grumpy i get when i hear that little cry in the middle of night. i've been feeling guilty because as i sit there and cuddle and snuggle my little girl back to sleep, i think about another little girl that i would love to be snuggling too. i think about a time in my life when i would have given anything to be getting up in the middle of the night with a cranky baby. 

i've really been feeling the guilt this summer. i've heard about two friends of friends who have had stillbirths recently. one was just after mothers day. and as i sat there and rocked my baby the night after i heard about this, i held her a little closer and thought about this other mother who was just coming home from the hospital with empty hands and an empty heart. she had just celebrated her first mothers day. she was probably putting the final touches in her baby's nursery because she was 40 weeks pregnant when her baby died. and again, a few weeks ago, a woman who is a coworker of a friend (and she is also apart of my breast feeding support group) went in for her routine 39 week check and her baby didn't have a heartbeat. devastating. 

hearing these stories takes me back to that day in October not all that long ago. that day that i heard nothing but silence as they tried to find the heartbeat of my baby girl. my heart goes out to those women, not because i can only imagine what they are going through, i KNOW what they are going through. i know what they have just been though. it's something that never leaves your mind. thoughts of your baby are constantly there. violet is always on my mind. and i suppose it will be that way forever. when i hold my babies, i think of her. when i see other kids that would be her age, i think of her. when i hear of miracle babies, i wonder why we didn't get a miracle that would have saved her life. 

i'm not a huge john mayer fan, but there is one song that makes me think of violet.....

"when you're dreaming with a broken heart

the waking up is the hardest part

you roll outta bed and down on your knees

and for a moment you can hardly breathe

wondering was she really here?

is she standing in my room?

no she's not, cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone gone...."

she's gone....i got to know her for such a short time. i cherish the short time i had with her. so often times when i'm up in the middle of the night with two teething babies, i'm thinking about violet. i'm remembering what it is like to lose your precious child. i get over my grumpiness. i cuddle my baby and i cherish the time that i have with them.