My World Upside Down
In October 2011, my world turned upside down. I will never be the same. Before I tell you about October, let me go back and tell you more of my story.
May 2011-After a year of trying to get pregnant, Nolan and I learned that we would be welcoming another child into our lives. And to our surprise I had been pregnant for a couple of months, but did not know it. We were so excited that this was happening again for us and for Georgia our then 3 year old daughter.
August 2011-It's a GIRL! We found out via ultrasound that we would be expecting another daughter into our family in January. Everything looks good. The baby is measuring a little bit small, but nothing that the ultrasound tech and the doctor are worried about right now. The doctor has suggested another ultrasound in a few weeks, just to check on our baby girl. Georgia has begun to call our baby girl Rainbow. Such a cute nickname for her little sister.
October 2011-My birthday! Yea! On Friday October 7 we went out with friends for dinner to celebrate. As we finished dinner and ordered our dessert, I felt some good hard kicks from little Rainbow. Little did I know that this would be the last time that I would know for sure that my daughter was alive in my womb. The following day I did not feel her move, but I fell asleep early and she was usually most active at night, around 9pm. I wasn't too concerned.
Sunday, still no movement, but I know from my previous pregnancy and from books that I've read that it's normal for you not to feel your baby moving everyday at this point in pregnancy. Knowing that comforted me, but I still was very concerned. My mother in law came into town for a short visit that night. She agreed that sometimes at this point you just don't feel them moving everyday. That night I was tossing and turning all night and just really didn't get a restful nights sleep. I kept praying and wishing that my baby would move and sometimes I thought that she did move, but it wasn't anything clear to let me know that she as OK.
Monday, I went into work as normal. I worked at a family practice doctor's office. I talked with the MDs about my situation and it was suggested that I go to my OBs office and get checked out, just to be safe. I called my OBs office and was told once again that it's normal not to feel movement everyday at this point in my pregnancy but that I could come in and meet with a nurse and check my baby's heartbeat. That nurse that I talked with on the phone reassured me that everything that everything was probably fine. As I left my office, I remember telling little Rainbow that she better be OK and I hope that I feel really silly for going all the way to my OBs office to hear her heartbeat. My husband was meeting me at the doctor's office. Thank goodness he was not working that day.
My husband and I arrived at the doctor's office around the same time. We sat in the waiting room, joking with each other and trying to keep each other from worrying. We're good at that....lifting each other's spirits. Finally my name was called and we went and waited for the nurse and to her our baby girl's beating heart! We could hear the heartbeat of another baby in the room next to me and I remember telling Nolan "Oh I think that I just felt her move." We joked that she was just testing us and that she waited to give me a kick until we got to the doctor's office.
Soon the nurse came into our room and placed the doppler on my large pregnant belly. First I hear a heartbeat and I relax. Then I realize, nope that is my heartbeat. The nurse asks if we've ever had any trouble getting the heartbeat before. I say, "No, it's always been strong and clear and they've always gotten it right away." After a few minutes of trying to get the heartbeat she tells me that maybe the baby is just in a position where they can't get a heartbeat with a doppler so we will try an ultrasound to see what is going on. Right then, I knew that my baby had died. I remember trying to keep myself together and to remain strong until I knew for sure what was happening. I looked into Nolan's eyes and I could tell that he was doing the same thing, but I could see the fear on his face and I'm sure that mine looked the same.
Another OB came into the room and she reassured me that sometimes babies just get into funny positions and we were going to be able to tell exactly what was going on in just a moment. She was cheerful, but not over the top. She was professional and comforting and exactly what we needed at that point. She wasn't my OB, but I'm glad that she was there. No ultrasound room was available at that time, but they had a portable device they could use. I could not see the ultrasound, but from the looks on their faces my fears were confirmed. An ultrasound room was made available for us and there we saw our little Rainbow on the screen. She was not dancing around as she had in the past for her ultrasounds and there was no beating heart. I'm pretty sure that my heart stop beating at that point too. The OB told us that she was sorry, but they could not find a heartbeat and our baby had passed away. They took some measurements and said that she was measuring about 23 weeks, which means that she had not been growing properly since I was almost 27 weeks along in pregnancy. My little Rainbow was gone.
The OB and ultrasound tech gave Nolan and I a few minutes. We cried. I don't think that I've ever cried so hard. I felt like I was going to get sick. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. After a few minutes, the OB came back in and gave us some choices. She told me that it would be best for me to labor and deliver my baby. I could either go up to labor and delivery now or I could go home and she would call me later. I wanted to go home. I wanted us to tell Georgia what was going on. I didn't want her to be frightened because mommy just never came home that day. I wanted to cuddle her. I wanted her to make me feel better, which I knew that she would.
Nolan called my mom. He said that he never wants to have to tell my mom something like that ever again. His mom was waiting at our house with Georgia. When we arrived at home, there was lots of crying and hugging and a lot of sitting around feeling numb. Georgia was confused. Of course she did not understand. Why would she? She's 4.
The OB called back and said that I could either go in to the hospital that night and start the process or stay at home tonight and start tomorrow. "The process" starts by placing a pill (I believe it I took Prepidil) behind my cervix and this will be repeated every 6 hours until labor starts. One benefit about going to the hospital that night is that they would give me something to help me sleep. That was the deciding factor for me. I wanted to go to sleep and forget about this for a little while. I knew that I wasn't going to sleep at home so I might as well go to the hospital and sleep.
So we packed and arrived at the hospital at 7pm. We were shown to our room. I will never forget the looks of pity and sadness that the nurses gave us as we walked. That was the look we would be getting from friends and family for many weeks to come. We were the family who's baby died. Everyone feels bad for us and really, they should.
May 2011-After a year of trying to get pregnant, Nolan and I learned that we would be welcoming another child into our lives. And to our surprise I had been pregnant for a couple of months, but did not know it. We were so excited that this was happening again for us and for Georgia our then 3 year old daughter.
August 2011-It's a GIRL! We found out via ultrasound that we would be expecting another daughter into our family in January. Everything looks good. The baby is measuring a little bit small, but nothing that the ultrasound tech and the doctor are worried about right now. The doctor has suggested another ultrasound in a few weeks, just to check on our baby girl. Georgia has begun to call our baby girl Rainbow. Such a cute nickname for her little sister.
October 2011-My birthday! Yea! On Friday October 7 we went out with friends for dinner to celebrate. As we finished dinner and ordered our dessert, I felt some good hard kicks from little Rainbow. Little did I know that this would be the last time that I would know for sure that my daughter was alive in my womb. The following day I did not feel her move, but I fell asleep early and she was usually most active at night, around 9pm. I wasn't too concerned.
Sunday, still no movement, but I know from my previous pregnancy and from books that I've read that it's normal for you not to feel your baby moving everyday at this point in pregnancy. Knowing that comforted me, but I still was very concerned. My mother in law came into town for a short visit that night. She agreed that sometimes at this point you just don't feel them moving everyday. That night I was tossing and turning all night and just really didn't get a restful nights sleep. I kept praying and wishing that my baby would move and sometimes I thought that she did move, but it wasn't anything clear to let me know that she as OK.
Monday, I went into work as normal. I worked at a family practice doctor's office. I talked with the MDs about my situation and it was suggested that I go to my OBs office and get checked out, just to be safe. I called my OBs office and was told once again that it's normal not to feel movement everyday at this point in my pregnancy but that I could come in and meet with a nurse and check my baby's heartbeat. That nurse that I talked with on the phone reassured me that everything that everything was probably fine. As I left my office, I remember telling little Rainbow that she better be OK and I hope that I feel really silly for going all the way to my OBs office to hear her heartbeat. My husband was meeting me at the doctor's office. Thank goodness he was not working that day.
My husband and I arrived at the doctor's office around the same time. We sat in the waiting room, joking with each other and trying to keep each other from worrying. We're good at that....lifting each other's spirits. Finally my name was called and we went and waited for the nurse and to her our baby girl's beating heart! We could hear the heartbeat of another baby in the room next to me and I remember telling Nolan "Oh I think that I just felt her move." We joked that she was just testing us and that she waited to give me a kick until we got to the doctor's office.
Soon the nurse came into our room and placed the doppler on my large pregnant belly. First I hear a heartbeat and I relax. Then I realize, nope that is my heartbeat. The nurse asks if we've ever had any trouble getting the heartbeat before. I say, "No, it's always been strong and clear and they've always gotten it right away." After a few minutes of trying to get the heartbeat she tells me that maybe the baby is just in a position where they can't get a heartbeat with a doppler so we will try an ultrasound to see what is going on. Right then, I knew that my baby had died. I remember trying to keep myself together and to remain strong until I knew for sure what was happening. I looked into Nolan's eyes and I could tell that he was doing the same thing, but I could see the fear on his face and I'm sure that mine looked the same.
Another OB came into the room and she reassured me that sometimes babies just get into funny positions and we were going to be able to tell exactly what was going on in just a moment. She was cheerful, but not over the top. She was professional and comforting and exactly what we needed at that point. She wasn't my OB, but I'm glad that she was there. No ultrasound room was available at that time, but they had a portable device they could use. I could not see the ultrasound, but from the looks on their faces my fears were confirmed. An ultrasound room was made available for us and there we saw our little Rainbow on the screen. She was not dancing around as she had in the past for her ultrasounds and there was no beating heart. I'm pretty sure that my heart stop beating at that point too. The OB told us that she was sorry, but they could not find a heartbeat and our baby had passed away. They took some measurements and said that she was measuring about 23 weeks, which means that she had not been growing properly since I was almost 27 weeks along in pregnancy. My little Rainbow was gone.
The OB and ultrasound tech gave Nolan and I a few minutes. We cried. I don't think that I've ever cried so hard. I felt like I was going to get sick. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. After a few minutes, the OB came back in and gave us some choices. She told me that it would be best for me to labor and deliver my baby. I could either go up to labor and delivery now or I could go home and she would call me later. I wanted to go home. I wanted us to tell Georgia what was going on. I didn't want her to be frightened because mommy just never came home that day. I wanted to cuddle her. I wanted her to make me feel better, which I knew that she would.
Nolan called my mom. He said that he never wants to have to tell my mom something like that ever again. His mom was waiting at our house with Georgia. When we arrived at home, there was lots of crying and hugging and a lot of sitting around feeling numb. Georgia was confused. Of course she did not understand. Why would she? She's 4.
The OB called back and said that I could either go in to the hospital that night and start the process or stay at home tonight and start tomorrow. "The process" starts by placing a pill (I believe it I took Prepidil) behind my cervix and this will be repeated every 6 hours until labor starts. One benefit about going to the hospital that night is that they would give me something to help me sleep. That was the deciding factor for me. I wanted to go to sleep and forget about this for a little while. I knew that I wasn't going to sleep at home so I might as well go to the hospital and sleep.
So we packed and arrived at the hospital at 7pm. We were shown to our room. I will never forget the looks of pity and sadness that the nurses gave us as we walked. That was the look we would be getting from friends and family for many weeks to come. We were the family who's baby died. Everyone feels bad for us and really, they should.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I cried when I found out that you lost Violet and I've cried for you many times since. I am overjoyed that you are expecting twins and I pray, pray, pray for healthy babies!!!
ReplyDeleteEmily Rittenhouse
Emily, thank you for your prayers and thoughts. There were so many friends pregnant at the same time, so I know that so many of you could relate to how you would feel if it was your baby. While you could never really know, the compassion I felt from all my friends was comforting.
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