Moving On
Moving on. How do you pick up your life and move on? How do you get back to normal? Well, I don't think that any of us will be "normal" ever again. We kind of had to start over and figure out a new normal. After the service and after Nolan's parents left to go back to Kansas, it was time to start over.
Nolan and I decided that we needed a fun day with Georgia. A day at the zoo was in order for our family. We needed to get out of our house and just enjoy each other. While the zoo was fun, it was also hard to be there. It was hard to be around families with small babies, knowing that we were supposed to be that family with the teeny tiny newborn. It was hard to see pregnant women and know that I was supposed to be apart of that club still. But all in all, it was good. It was good to see our kiddo having fun with mom and dad. It was good for all of us not to cooped up in our house, feeling sad and missing Violet.
Getting to a new normal also included making Georgia realize that Violet was not going to be born. Since she died, Georgia had made it clear that she was not sad. I'm not sure if she was just trying to protect us in some way or if she really wasn't all that sad. It was hard for her to understand that we were having a baby in the first place. She saw my tummy grow, she saw the ultrasounds, and heard heartbeats, but to realize that all of that was going to result in a baby added to our family was still a little much for her. So it was easy to understand why she wouldn't be sad about Violet's death if she never understood that she was alive.
Also, Georgia didn't really understand death. We explained it to her, but she would say "when the baby is born" and we would have to remind her that we didn't have a baby anymore, that Violet died.
I also think that Georgia went through a phase when she thought that mommy and daddy were crying all the time. And if I had been seeing the world through her eyes, that might have been how I saw things too. One time we got a drawing from her that showed mommy and daddy crying. It was just a clue that is how she saw us then. And I was OK with her seeing me be sad and seeing me cry, but I didn't want her to think that it was always going to be like this. She really helped me pick up the pieces of my life. I wanted to be there for her. She made it easier to get out of bed the morning. She made it easier to keep going with life. I don't know if she will ever know the impact that she had on my recovery. And she didn't even have to try to help, she was just there and all I wanted to do was be her mommy.
Getting back to normal also meant that Nolan would go back to work and leave our safe little house where we could take time to cry and be needy and miss our baby girl. I decided to take some time off. I wasn't sure that I could go back. I worked at a doctor's office. I saw a lot of people every day. People who felt that they knew me because I was the girl at the front window. I knew them by name, I knew their insurance information and would make small talk about kids or travels or current events. All of those people knew that I was pregnant and due in January. I could not imagine going to work and talking to all of those people and telling my story over and over again. Every time someone new would walk in the door I knew that it was be the same thing, they would ask about the baby since I obviously no longer pregnant and then I would have to relive my story all over again, I would start crying and they would probably feel uncomfortable. I just couldn't face that. If I had a job where I went to my cubical and did my work everyday, I probably would have gone back to work after a few weeks. But since I didn't have that job, I didn't feel like I could return. My boss completely understood. And Nolan was very supportive. I'm thankful that he has a job that can support our family. And, I had been toying with the idea of starting my own photography business. My plan after having Violet was to continue to work part time at the doctor's office and start my photography business on the side. After Violet's death, all I cared about was staying home with Georgia.
Nolan and I decided that we needed a fun day with Georgia. A day at the zoo was in order for our family. We needed to get out of our house and just enjoy each other. While the zoo was fun, it was also hard to be there. It was hard to be around families with small babies, knowing that we were supposed to be that family with the teeny tiny newborn. It was hard to see pregnant women and know that I was supposed to be apart of that club still. But all in all, it was good. It was good to see our kiddo having fun with mom and dad. It was good for all of us not to cooped up in our house, feeling sad and missing Violet.
Also, Georgia didn't really understand death. We explained it to her, but she would say "when the baby is born" and we would have to remind her that we didn't have a baby anymore, that Violet died.
I also think that Georgia went through a phase when she thought that mommy and daddy were crying all the time. And if I had been seeing the world through her eyes, that might have been how I saw things too. One time we got a drawing from her that showed mommy and daddy crying. It was just a clue that is how she saw us then. And I was OK with her seeing me be sad and seeing me cry, but I didn't want her to think that it was always going to be like this. She really helped me pick up the pieces of my life. I wanted to be there for her. She made it easier to get out of bed the morning. She made it easier to keep going with life. I don't know if she will ever know the impact that she had on my recovery. And she didn't even have to try to help, she was just there and all I wanted to do was be her mommy.
Getting back to normal also meant that Nolan would go back to work and leave our safe little house where we could take time to cry and be needy and miss our baby girl. I decided to take some time off. I wasn't sure that I could go back. I worked at a doctor's office. I saw a lot of people every day. People who felt that they knew me because I was the girl at the front window. I knew them by name, I knew their insurance information and would make small talk about kids or travels or current events. All of those people knew that I was pregnant and due in January. I could not imagine going to work and talking to all of those people and telling my story over and over again. Every time someone new would walk in the door I knew that it was be the same thing, they would ask about the baby since I obviously no longer pregnant and then I would have to relive my story all over again, I would start crying and they would probably feel uncomfortable. I just couldn't face that. If I had a job where I went to my cubical and did my work everyday, I probably would have gone back to work after a few weeks. But since I didn't have that job, I didn't feel like I could return. My boss completely understood. And Nolan was very supportive. I'm thankful that he has a job that can support our family. And, I had been toying with the idea of starting my own photography business. My plan after having Violet was to continue to work part time at the doctor's office and start my photography business on the side. After Violet's death, all I cared about was staying home with Georgia.
Comments
Post a Comment