26 1/2 weeks
26 1/2 weeks. To most of you that means absolutely nothing. Most of you aren't counting the weeks. Most of you have no idea what significance 26 1/2 weeks means to me. 26 1/2 weeks is when my world fell in tiny pieces and I had to find the strength to start all over. 26 1/2 weeks is when I heard "we can't find a heartbeat." 26 1/2 weeks is when I got to hold my baby girl who was on an ice pack. 26 1/2 weeks is when I became the woman who's baby died. And once again I find myself at 26 1/2 weeks.
While we were ready to be pregnant again soon after Violet's death, we weren't expecting it to happen right away. Seriously, it was a couple weeks after my OB told us that we could start trying again. You're kind of messed up for a little while after the death of your baby. There are so many things that you will never get to do. So many dreams that will never happen. And you also find out that nothing is ever certain.....not pregnancy, not life, nothing. Dealing with all of these emotions is intense and you never know when something is going to remind you of your baby girl. You never know when a song is going to come on that makes you sit at the kitchen table and cry because you miss her so much. You never know when someone is going to say something insensitive, they don't mean to and they don't know they are being insensitive, but you still want to yell at them. And anyway, getting pregnant so soon means that you get to process all of this stuff along with all of your fears about carrying another child. Do I wish that this would have happened a little bit later, nope. I'm glad that it happened this way.
Since I've been pregnant this time around, I have been waiting for 26 1/2 weeks to come and go. While I'm happy to make it to this point in pregnancy, its made me think a lot about reaching 26 1/2 weeks in my pregnancy with Violet. While I like thinking about her and my time with her, I don't like thinking about her death and the events that happened afterward. I don't like thinking about the feeling of her not moving and wiggling inside me. So, I've kept careful watch with these two little ladies. I've made sure to take time to feel them move every chance I get. I don't like thinking about the ultrasound when Nolan and I saw her still little body and there was no heartbeat. So, I was really nervous about my ultrasound this week. Even though I could feel my babies moving, it's just hard not to think about what happened before. My ultrasound was perfect and everyone looks great.
For a long time, everything revolved around my pregnancy with Violet. We would go somewhere and I would say, the last time I was here, I was pregnant with Violet. We would do something and I would say, the last time I did this, I was pregnant with Violet. And there are certain things that are really hard to do, like going back to the places that we went to the weekend Violet died. The weekend Violet died, Nolan's mom came into town and we went out to Ritter's for ice cream. Well, she was in town again a couple weeks ago and we went out to Ritter's for ice cream again.None of those things had anything to do with Violet's death, but it just makes you remember. And, the Saturday that I stopped feeling Violet move, we went to The Container Store. So what did we do last Saturday? At 26 weeks pregnant, on a Saturday, we went back to The Container Store. Really, this also had absolutely nothing to do with my baby's death. Your mind just goes to weird places and makes you think back to different times. And those are all things that I needed to do.....I can't live my life avoiding Ritter's on E Washington Street or The Container Store just because of this. And there are still places that I should visit. I think the hardest place will be going back to Traders Point. We were there for dinner and that is the last time that I remember feeling Violet alive. That one might take a bit of courage. I'll get there some day.....maybe when I'm not pregnant and emotional!
So tomorrow is my last day at 26 weeks of pregnancy with my twins. And I will be welcoming weeks 27, 28, 29, 30 and so on until these babies decide that they need to make their grand entrance to the world.
Ultrasound Update-In case you have no read this on Facebook, my ultrasound went great this week. Both babies doing great, with strong heartbeats. No signs of preterm labor at all. Baby A in the correct head down position. Baby B still breech, but that's fine. I go back to the OB at 28 weeks for an ultrasound, an appointment with the OB and my glucose testing!!!
While we were ready to be pregnant again soon after Violet's death, we weren't expecting it to happen right away. Seriously, it was a couple weeks after my OB told us that we could start trying again. You're kind of messed up for a little while after the death of your baby. There are so many things that you will never get to do. So many dreams that will never happen. And you also find out that nothing is ever certain.....not pregnancy, not life, nothing. Dealing with all of these emotions is intense and you never know when something is going to remind you of your baby girl. You never know when a song is going to come on that makes you sit at the kitchen table and cry because you miss her so much. You never know when someone is going to say something insensitive, they don't mean to and they don't know they are being insensitive, but you still want to yell at them. And anyway, getting pregnant so soon means that you get to process all of this stuff along with all of your fears about carrying another child. Do I wish that this would have happened a little bit later, nope. I'm glad that it happened this way.
Since I've been pregnant this time around, I have been waiting for 26 1/2 weeks to come and go. While I'm happy to make it to this point in pregnancy, its made me think a lot about reaching 26 1/2 weeks in my pregnancy with Violet. While I like thinking about her and my time with her, I don't like thinking about her death and the events that happened afterward. I don't like thinking about the feeling of her not moving and wiggling inside me. So, I've kept careful watch with these two little ladies. I've made sure to take time to feel them move every chance I get. I don't like thinking about the ultrasound when Nolan and I saw her still little body and there was no heartbeat. So, I was really nervous about my ultrasound this week. Even though I could feel my babies moving, it's just hard not to think about what happened before. My ultrasound was perfect and everyone looks great.
For a long time, everything revolved around my pregnancy with Violet. We would go somewhere and I would say, the last time I was here, I was pregnant with Violet. We would do something and I would say, the last time I did this, I was pregnant with Violet. And there are certain things that are really hard to do, like going back to the places that we went to the weekend Violet died. The weekend Violet died, Nolan's mom came into town and we went out to Ritter's for ice cream. Well, she was in town again a couple weeks ago and we went out to Ritter's for ice cream again.None of those things had anything to do with Violet's death, but it just makes you remember. And, the Saturday that I stopped feeling Violet move, we went to The Container Store. So what did we do last Saturday? At 26 weeks pregnant, on a Saturday, we went back to The Container Store. Really, this also had absolutely nothing to do with my baby's death. Your mind just goes to weird places and makes you think back to different times. And those are all things that I needed to do.....I can't live my life avoiding Ritter's on E Washington Street or The Container Store just because of this. And there are still places that I should visit. I think the hardest place will be going back to Traders Point. We were there for dinner and that is the last time that I remember feeling Violet alive. That one might take a bit of courage. I'll get there some day.....maybe when I'm not pregnant and emotional!
So tomorrow is my last day at 26 weeks of pregnancy with my twins. And I will be welcoming weeks 27, 28, 29, 30 and so on until these babies decide that they need to make their grand entrance to the world.
Ultrasound Update-In case you have no read this on Facebook, my ultrasound went great this week. Both babies doing great, with strong heartbeats. No signs of preterm labor at all. Baby A in the correct head down position. Baby B still breech, but that's fine. I go back to the OB at 28 weeks for an ultrasound, an appointment with the OB and my glucose testing!!!
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